Cuts Like A Knife

Trust is a delicate thing. It becomes much more fragile when it's been violated multiple times.  Mine is non-existent. Why can't people keep a confidence?  And WHY must people snoop? Why?  What satisfaction does it give them to go to great lengths to find out all they can on someone.  It's one thing to peruse public records, but to pose as the person you are hunting info about? That's some low shit right there. Especially if you are a family member. 

If you are a snooper, please help me understand this.  It better be more than "I just had to know".  Because nobody just "has to know" the day-to-day details of someones life.  Is it a stalker's mentality?  How is a snooper different from a stalker?  Are there different levels and some are just generally accepted as "oh she's just a Nosey Nancy"?  None of it, in my opinion, is okay. 

Do yourself the favor. Next time you have the urge to "google someone" and seek out information about them? Take that energy and put it to good use.  Or if you are tempted to pretend you're someone you're not?  Take that energy and clean your house.  Or if you are mad because a family member doesn't trust you worth shit and you decide to take matters into your own hands?  Take that energy and shove it up your ass and know you're one of the most hated persons on the effing planet. 

Yes I said it....

The One

He told me last night that "The Whore" is "The One".  As Karma does her job and staples a permanent black cloud directly onto their heads, I will sit and watch from my happy little corner.  I know that I will be happy again one day. 

(I will write more on this later. It hurts too much right now)

Sometimes Less Is More...

Can someone explain to me how a person "forgets" about a fight? A few weeks ago, I learned additional information about "him" and another "whore" of his. Mutual friends came forward. Sheepishly, they told me about him bringing her around them for way longer than I knew. "They were all over each other", these friends would tell me. Friends that were ashamed of themselves for not telling me sooner. It wasn't their place. He put them in a very bad position. We met them as a couple so there wasn't any allegiance to one side or the other. They just chose to stay out of it. Frankly? I do not blame them.

After learning of yet another betrayal, I gave up. All civility went out the window. You have to understand (and I can't remember if I've mentioned this already), I haven't overreacted with him.  The screaming and yelling I *could* do didn't seem beneficial to me.  Sure I've expressed my anger and had my words with him, but it was just that. 

Not this time.  I let him have it.  That news just broke me.  Mostly because I was further humiliated by him in front of a particular group of "friends".  People, of which, are now his friends.  Oh I yelled. Yes indeed.  I told him I was through trying to peacefully exist and it was done.  He admitted to everything and then proceeded to tell me that his details were none of my business.  Yeah... that went over well with me. 

For the next couple of weeks, I didn't speak to him unless it was about the children. Even then it was very short answers.  He kept trying to "make friends" again. I was having none of it. He disgusted me. Still does.  I couldn't look at him. 

As time passed, he was still trying to "make friends".  He started texting me about my fave shows/topics.  Asking questions or making jokes.  I casually responded.  Admittedly, I was humored by a couple of remarks.  It was friendly, but it didn't change anything.  Texting a chuckle or two and making amends are two completely different things.  He panics when I become seriously upset because he knows I have him by the balls.  He worries what I'll do to him.  Thus far, I've been very kind and nice about things.  Mostly because I just want it to be over. 

At the same time, he has been lying and cheating for so many years, he still thinks he can manipulate me. He has maneuvered our lives in his best interest for so long and he has become accustomed to getting his way. Eating that cake, scooping up the icing and licking the spatula too.

He did have that power and was completely drunk on it. Things have changed now. See - I *know* now. I am aware of his lies, his betrayals and his scheming. He isn't running things anymore. I am. And I run it like a mutha effin' boss. He has forgotten what how strong and independent I am. He has been reminded that my BS radar still works quite well.

When you are stuck in a strange new town without any friends, just had a baby and raising another small child, it's easy to miss red flags or warning signs. I was too tired to care. Deep down, I knew that I didn't love him anymore and I was just going along with it.

The last few days, he's been trying desperately to change the visitation schedule. He sees them less than 10hrs per week as is. He wants it to be less so he can have every other weekend "off" to socialize and have a life. Really? Really! How nice for you, asshole. Because of your behavior, you only have supervised visits. Meaning, I can't leave and have any time to myself. Sitting in my room while you play with them isn't the same. I have them 24x7x365. I am committed to my children. I've had two nights out since their births. TWO! I never get to have "me" time because I can't afford a babysitter. My parents are too old to handle the children on their own, God bless them. I never get an hour off, much less a weekend.

So he brings up the day I went off on him and how my anger changed everything.  I, calmly, told him that I didn't want to rehash that and it is what it is.  He tells me:  "I thought you'd have gotten over that by now.... I mean.... moved passed it."   He went on to say to me that he never admitted to anything, that the whore in question was never anyone he dated, he certainly never dated her while we were legally married and to tell my "resources" to call him directly and he'd set them straight. 


Who is this dude? Because honestly... I wonder where my head was at when I decided he was a good choice in a mate.

Because I am just over his jackassery, I just responded that he should email me and Cc: my attorney with any visitation change requests and I would look it over. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A favorite movie of mine is "Hope Floats" with Sandra Bullock. If you've never seen it, check it out. A great scene from the movie goes as follows:

Birdee Pruitt: I would have stayed with you forever. I would have turned myself inside out for you.

Bill Pruitt: Birdee, I wouldn't have let you! People grow. They change. They have to!

Birdee Pruittanybody's home. Because I am not a quitter. I care about my family! I may not be the same person, but then again, neither are you. You're sad, you're weak, and you're... shorter. If you want to know the truth.

Bill Pruitt: I'm in love with Connie. And this is my chance for a fresh start, and I'm taking it, I'm sorry!

Birdee Pruitt: Then you should take it. If that's how you feel then you should take it. You and Connie deserve each other. You were lucky to have me. But you know what? I think I already got the best part of you. And she's standing right out there, and she's waiting for me. I don't know... what's left just doesn't look so good anymore.

I may not have known of his betrayals during our marriage for various reasons, but I did get the best parts of him. What's left is a sorry, sad and pathetic little man. If he wants less exposure to the kids? He's got it. They'll probably be better off.

Another Holiday Bailed On...

I don't even know what to say. How to convey all the muddy thoughts slurping through my mind. This blog is my real life. Real stories, thoughts, emotions. There is no grand standing or trying to make it more dramatic than it is.

What it is? It's a blog about a heart broken woman whose soul was crushed by a selfish, disrespectful, emotionally violent being. He has his human moments, though there aren't many of them.

All I know is tonight is hard. Since the dam of discovery burst open, tonight is the first time I know that he is with her. Openly. He is ditching his kids for the holiday weekend to be with her. Right now, they are probably at a bar having a grand ole time. While I'm stuck here in this prison.

Yes. Prison.

It's what my life feels like. I'm trapped here every single day. Understand that it has nothing to do with the children. It's just how I feel about where I am in my life. He runs from relationship to relationship so easily. Forgetting about the wreckage he left in a blink. I was so young when I met him. Young when I married him. Too naive and I fell for his lies. Lived in his lies.

I should feel free. The sticky, entangled web has been lifted up off of me. I am free to live my truth.

Then why I am I too paralyzed to do so? The half-hearted attempts I take with what little energy I have never seem to accomplish much. That leads to more darkness.

I'm lost. I hurt. I'm sad. And oh so lonely.

He doesn't care. I could die tomorrow and if he ever shed a tear, it'd be out of guilt and self-pity. Not because he felt anything for me. (Noooo I'm not going to off myself... I'm just sayin').

I've questioned if I would've felt better if he would've just left and I never would've found out about the affairs. On the surface, I feel like I would've handled him ending the marriage and having the appearance of moving on after we separated much better than all the affairs. Of course, let's be real. None of it avoids hurt. All I ever did was love him. Stay faithful to him. Honor our marriage. Treat him with respect. He did none of that for me. Now he continues that and passes his disrespect on to our children.

Holidays are for family. Not whores. Which? I guess is why he isn't here.

The Gumption Is Missing

I'm floundering. Lost. My gumption is gone. Life is a swirly.

I keep encountering these same feelings.  Facing the same scenarios.  Having the same reactions. 

Knowing that I need help beyond friends and people in the computer is glaringly obvious.  I can't do anything about that though. It takes money to pay for a set of ears and a mouthpiece to tell you what to do.  Something that I don't have.  I can barely feed myself. 

I'm too proud to vent like this to people.  I feel as if I've reached my expiration date to bitch 'n whine. Whenever I do mention something to the few I do share with, their answers are short and responses generic.  The underlying theme is "get over it".  Well? I'm trying.  I am.

So? I wait it out.  While I'm falling apart, I keep hoping that tomorrow will glue me back together. Something has to give. And I have nothing left to put forth.

If you can spare them, I'll ask for positive, warm energy.  I need some healing vibes sent my way.  It's all I have left to ask for.

Sorry for the doom 'n gloom on most of these entries.  My story will get better.  It will.

It has too..... 

A Babbling Brook of Bull...

Today has been incredibly hard for me.  Tons of emotions coursing through my body like sharp blades.  Just tearing me up inch my inch.  Outwardly, to the average person, my day would be considered taking steps in the right direction.  Which?  Should equal a good thing.

Let me take a step back.  Operation Dry Out My Liver was going very well.  This past week?  That all went out the window.  I've "escaped" twice this week and once last week.  As each cold beverage slid down my throat, the more at ease I felt about the bullshit that is my life.  I don't have the money to do it, but I needed to make it all just stop.  All the worry, stress, crying, hate and loathing, pity and anxiety.  Three times in 14 days is way better than every night, folks.  Baby steps...

A friend talked me into signing up on a dating site for fun. We would have a few drinks and gawk at the profiles.  After a few days, we thought "Why not message a few we like!  What could it hurt!".  Our profiles contain accurate truths, but our profile pictures are us wearing sunglasses and hats.  Stylishly, of course.  We have found that men don't care.  We could wear a Jason mask and pose with a bottle of ketchup.  They'd still come-a-callin'. 

So yes... lots of laughs, a few oooh's and aaah's and a couple of Hmm! Maybe!.  Then one in particular answered my message.  We hit it off.  We've both mentioned how weird it is to feel like fast friends through a computer.  Doesn't that sound SO lame???  I was one of "those people" that pitied anyone who used dating sites.  I mean, I only signed up to goof off.  I never had ANY intention of connecting with someone. 

It was all fun and light until the inevitable happened.  He wants to meet me.  Um no way. Noooo.  So not ready for that.  The thought of it makes me physically nauseated.  Puts me in a panicked state of mind.  After ignoring his subtle, then blunt requests to meet... I had to be honest.  Let him know that it wasn't going to happen.  At least, not any time soon.  To be clear, my profile is very concrete in stating that I am not interested in hooking up nor meeting in person. I seek pen pals and new friends.  Friends only. 

My head space is too fucked up to even try and have a new relationship right now. 

He, thankfully, doesn't know much about me.  He doesn't know where I live nor what I look like.  I could delete my profile right now and that'd be that.  But? I don't know if I want to.  After my stupid-long message explaining and clarifying my stance on not meeting in person, he said 1. he's sorry 2. he'll back off because he loves our banter and 3.  he didn't mean to scare me.

Because scare me he did.  Oh yes.  And I told him that I was about to delete my profile and run for the hills.  His journey (time-wise) is similar to mine.  He'll be divorced in January.   He has kids.  Married about the same length of time in a loveless marriage.  And so on. 

That all went down last night. 

My reclusive tendencies almost took over completely and I almost sabotaged a job interview today.  Simply out of fear.  I.Did.Not.Want.To.Go.  I was afraid I'd walk in there and they'd want me to start a position right then and there.  But?  I did go.  It went fine. Once I actually get somewhere, I'm okay. 

Afterwards, I stopped in to see an old friend that worked up the street.  I haven't seen her in 3+yrs.  As I walked in, she was literally about to hit "Send" on her resignation email.  She saw me and we ran to her office.  An hour later, we were both in tears and happy to see one another to catch up.  She apologized up and down for being absent.  Then promised we'd get together soon.  And?  We may. I doubt it.  It was interesting to be back in that environment of my former career (no I don't qualify for her job, but thanks for thinking of it!) and remembering why it is that I left.  The burnout and stress just aren't worth it.  Her boss quit abruptly last month after having a heart attack at 41.  I KNOW!  It reiterated that the types of jobs I am applying for are the exact type I need.  Both mentally and physically. 

I had a four hour window away from the wee ones.  First in a lo------ng time.  Too bad it wasn't for fun.  You know what the crazy thing is?  I love the idea of having a break from them. Once I am away, I rush to get back home.  It's not necessarily a "missing them" reaction.  I worry about who is snooping through my shit.  Or will this person change their diaper.  I've had issues with people not being on top of that and my baby has been saddled wearing a saggy wet diaper for waaaay too long. Yup, happened today too.  I don't like that the kids end up in front of the tv instead of playing. Yeah it's a control thing, I get it.  But my worries are valid.  Just like I worry that the whole world and I are fucking them up. 

Anyway, back to the interview... we'll see if anything comes of it.  I've applied many places and registered with agencies.  I'm sure something will turn up.  I just hope it's soon.  I did buy a lottery ticket so maybe I'll win tonight.  Wouldn't that be something????

Last part of my mental issues of the day.... I have to see my Dad's side of the family tomorrow.  All of them.  In one place. It's the first time I am seeing them since the split.  They are crazy bible wavers and they scare me.  I d-r-e-a-d going.  They're gonna whisper and judge me.  It is their firm opinion that divorce is never acceptable and that you deal with whatever comes your way.  God brought you to it and he'll bring you through it.  Once you take vows before the eyes of the Lord, you have made your earthly commitment until the Lord brings you home to His kingdom. 

Yeah ooookay....

I am not of that opinion.  I am THE only one in my family that isn't a creepy bible waver.  They don't invite me most places because of it.  And?  I'm glad they don't.  Saves me from saying no.  It's the Ex's visitation day tomorrow.  He could save me and forbid me to interrupt his visiting time.  But no.... he's all "Oh sure! I'll take a nap on your couch and wait for y'all to come back!".  Thanks asshole. 

But I need to do this.  Get it over with.  The holidays will be here soon enough and facing them for the 1st time in that environment will be 100x worse.  Don't you think????

If you got this far and if any of this made ANY sense, you are going to Heaven as a senior high ranking angel.  Or whatever is important.  I foresee a platinum halo in your afterlife. 

Feel free to share your wisdom and thoughts.  Differing perspectives or support from a similar experience means more than you can realize.  Just be kind.

Iced Cold Truth

Divorce finds women using methods of escape.  You can Google it and find a wide array of examples that divorced women have admitting to doing after their initial separation.  My preferred method of escape is beer. Love it. I do. But it has to be a specific brand and drank a certain way.  This particular way isn't healthy at all.  Not that beer is. 

After having one too many last week and the resulting hangover, I decided to start Operation Dry Out My Liver for a while.  I don't drink every night.  Usually a couple of nights a week.  But instead of having one, maybe two? I had reached the point of four, maybe five.  This particular night, I had seven. That morning after, I thought "My lands, am I a drunk now?  Do I need rehab? What was I thinking????!!!"

I can answer one of those.  I wasn't thinking.  At.All.

I told friends so they would hold me accountable when I had a "screw it" moment.  Day 2 of ODOML, I had a particularly rough day.  I detest when people vomit their "woe is me" list.  Everyone has problems.  But? I know some of you are nosey little friendsters. ;)

Laptop was kaput.  Kids were insane.  Huge money issue came up (huge). A friend that was supposed to be part of this journey (because this "friend" is in the exact same position) was/is completely ignoring me.  The attorney was after the Ex regarding unfinished paperwork required by the courts.  The Ex wasn't phased by the attorney's threats to file him in contempt.  I was stressed that he would be arrested and lose his job. 

It left me in a heaping mess of tears.  I kept asking the Universe for direction. For answers.  For whatever She wished to grant me.  But something had to give.  I needed a sign.

Side note: Yes, the friend is fine.  FB page is active with postings. No idea what's going on there. I haven't spoken to this person since our last pleasant interaction.  I can't worry about that anymore.

Normally on days like this, I would be planning my trip to the corner store to purchase my iced cold escape in a bottle.  When I just wanted it to go away and make my head shut down.  Even if only for a few hours.  Then I would pass out and it would be a few more hours before I had to face it again. 

That's just it, though. Isn't it?

I have to face it.  Be it now or 20 hours from now.  I have to handle my load.

Oddly enough, I haven't missed beer.  Not even in the peak of my meltdown on Day 2.  That, dear Internet, was a test.  I think I passed.  I cried a lot and reached out to another single mother that lives in the computer.  I've been exercising.  Not Jillian Michaels style. No.  Just standard things like push-ups, stretching, crunches and leg lifts.  Something to get me started and move me in the right direction.

Day 3, I even melted on the Ex.  He had come for visitation and saw that something was very off with me.  I actually let my feelings out.  Without hesitation.  I told him I just can't be locked up anymore.  That there has to be more to living than this.  That I need help out of the prison that is my life.

I said it.

I need help. 

I have to be a better representative of myself.  I know that. Believe me, I embrace the idea of who I could be.  Being stuck here in my comfy prison is wonderfully unhealthy. 

I feel I received a sign.  The realization that I needed to say out loud that I need help.  This divorce process is showing me that I'm not as strong (right now) as I think I am.  I don't need rehab.  I need therapy. 

I'm glad that I was open enough to receive this realization and outwardly express it.  Makes it more ... I dunno... tangible.  I hope I can be strong enough to act on it.